Final Fantasy X Part #82 - Episode LXXIII: Spread My Wings

Part 82: Episode LXXIII: Spread My Wings

Okay! Shit! Well that was embarrassing. But it's fine... It's fine! I'm back! I fought the goddamn dragon and crashed the wedding for a second time! Let's try that again...

So we need to tackle the YKT-63 bot a different way. As it turns out, these Yevon mecha (which is different from standard machina! Only... the game never makes that distinction) will flip their shit if they're the last enemy standing and eject all but one party member from battle ASAP to even the playing field. When the last person standing is less than sturdy, that can lead to a quick and unfortunate wipe for the unprepared.

When not thrust kicking party members into space the Yevon Killer Tinman-63 just bops fools on the head for 700-1000 HP a pop. Which Lulu learned that last go around as she got her head caved in two turns in a row.

Getting revenge on the bot, the Yevon mech is very weak to Fire and Water elemental attacks. As well as good old fashioned bashing it to death. It's not too bad a threat if it's taken down first like the technological devilry it is. Afterwards, we're free to massacre the accompanying warrior monks with little issue.

There's a good number of assorted fights with riflemen, Yevon bots, and flame troopers along the way. But as the party draws close to Seymour and Yuna's position, the wedding defenders will pull out a new trick from their arsenal.

The final battle of the sequence involves taking on a couple of Yevon riflemen barring the way to a “YAT-99” aka those artillery battery robots from cutscenes earlier.

Remember how in the tutorial back in Zanarkand where we had to cut through some Sinspawn to advance further on the battlefield? Yeah. They brought that mechanic back here for a minute. To actually reach and attack the artillery robot we need to cut down the pair of Yevon redshirts standing on the front lines danger close to where the bot has zeroed in on the party.

It's best to haul ass to the Yevon Artillery Tinman-99 ASAP as a direct hit from an artillery shell, funny enough, will do some ridiculous damage to anyone eating the shell to the face. Around 1500-2500 which is enough to outright kill most of our party, or at least taking them to critical status.

But like the previous Yevon bot, when we can actually get at the bugger it goes down fairly easily to sword strikes and being lit on fire. Don't build robots out of wood, people. That's just dumb.

New Music: Tragedy

Hold up there, hoss! I know you all just struck down about twenty Yevon riflemen and were all shot about six times a piece in the last ten battles and shrugged it off with a Hi-Potion or two. But now we're in the realm of Cutscenes and bullets mean business!

Yep. Three dozen guys shooting at the party while they grinded down steel cables from an airship was not a thing. Nearly a dozen battles against men with guns? No problem. But oh fuck! Cardinal Babyface has a rifle. Oh boy! Now shit has gotten real! By the way the jig is up and all of Yevon's top officials are just going to go ahead and give up the fact they're all evil.

Tidus tries to rush Kinoc but Auron gets in his way...

”We're in a cutscene.”

That guy on the bottom left has Kimahri's foot right in his sights. One move that pinkie toe is fucking GONE!

So guns are now a tangible threat in the realm of cutscenes and their basis vaguely in reality. But evidently Yuna didn't get the memo as she immediately proceeds to pull her staff out of what can only be directly from her ass. Sure, why not?

Kinoc starts getting weird with Tidus and tries to get him to suck his... gun barrel. Umm... Feel free to do... whatever you're planning on doing with that staff, Yuna. This is getting weird.

Alright, Yuna has an ornate wooden stick. Let's see where she's going with this one.

“Your resolve is admirable. All the more fitting to be my lovely wife.”

Okay. Hold up here. How is this supposed to be going down? I'm going to assume Yuna did not intentionally get herself kidnapped by the Guado in the middle of the desert. I mean I cannot guarantee that did not happen. Yuna is a confirmed idiot. But we'll just assume she was snatched against her will. At that point she found out Seymour was an unsent zombie man and decided she'd go through with a wedding in order to get close enough to him in order to perform a Sending. I don't think this plan is well thought out Yuna...

Seymour immediately starts farting out pyreflies from Yuna starting up a Sending dance position. However, Fantasy Pope Mika is not into this. He got out of bed and all dressed up for a wedding and dammit, Yuna is not going to ruin this by trying to send the zombie-ghost groom to the afterlife.

Oh right. There was like twenty rifles pointed at her friends. Yuna was kind of caught up in the moment. It's fine. It happens.

Alright, Yuna. Think carefully. Your actions will determine the flow of the story! Is it gonna be yo—

Oh... Huh. Gonna stick to your guns for a change. Alright... Well, I'm sure it'll be fine. It's not like Yevon has come out being outright evil just yet. What's the worst that would ha—

Oh Christ!

Alright... Let's stick to the script where Yuna immediately folds from any independent actions as soon as her loyal followers are threatened in any way....

Welp. So how does “til death do us part” work when one of the parties in question is already dead?

Alright. Now that all of that silly Sending business is sorted out, everyone back to your places and bring in the CGI Asian Stunt Doubles for the main event!

Eww... Why does Seymour only have one giant monster claw thumbnail? Is that his equivalent of Yuna's two different eye colors? That's weird. Guados are weird.

Ugh. And I forgot all about the veiny forehead acne. And are you wearing lip gloss or something? Why are you lips shinier than Yuna's? You're gross CGI Seymour. Just get this over with so we can go back to the normal models.

Asian Stunt Double Rikku is really not into this whole proceedings. The upper half of Lulu's emotional state remains a mystery as half of her face is permanently obscured by greasy goth hair. As it turns out Lulu is actually a cyclops.

Meanwhile, Private George is just happy to be here.

CGI Grand Maester Yo Mika is digging everything that is happening right now as evident by the fact he is creeping closer to the couple between cuts for a better view.

CGI Wakka is very upset at Yuna getting married to some filthy half-breed. But nowhere as upset as Kimahri is by Wakka's shoulder pad blocking his face in the frame.

Private Fred is mesmerized by Tidus' beautiful feathered hair flowing in the wind. I guess Tidus is sort of pissed too. Meanwhile, Auron of course just wants this shit to wrap up so he can leave already.

And wedding bells sound as the stormtroopers break into applause as celebration commences for the new Mr. and Mrs. Seymour and Yuna Guado.

Granted, not everyone is particularly thrilled with the ceremony. I mean there's not even a big to do or anything? Really. The bride and groom just stare awkwardly and suck lips and that's it? Sheesh.

Oh, by the way Seymour is still evil as shit. Yuna. You idiot.

I'm kind of disappointed we didn't get an up-close reaction shot of Cardinal Babyface in that last scene. But not to worry, Kinoc is back with a rifle ready to blow off Tidus' head once more between scenes. A continuity editor? What's that?

"Aren't those weapons forbidden by Yevon?"

”You should just stop. You're wasting your time. He won't care no matter how much you threaten him.”
*grunts* “It's true.”

Umm... Maester Mika...? Fantasy Pope, sir? You're facing the wrong direction. Guys... Fantasy Pope is facing the wrong way. Get Private George to spin him around. He's going to be mad if he looks silly in front of everyone.

It seems Seymour was a bit too caught up in being evil and watching Cardinal Babyface waving his gun in people's faces to take note of Yuna trotting off.

Yuna decides to up the drama quotient of the scene. She even took the time to drape her absurdly long wedding dress off the balcony for dramatic effect. Now what would have happened here if the wedding took place down in... you know a proper church instead of the ridiculous Sky Vatican?

Seymour waves off Kinoc and the rest of the temple guards. Cardinal Babyface seems really disappointed he doesn't get to shoot anyone in the face. This was his big moment and he can feel it slipping through his fingers. Poor guy.

The party runs up the stairs towards Yuna...

New Music: I Can Fly

“This is foolish. If you fall, you'll die.”

”Yeah Yuna. The guy's an evil dick, but he's got a point...”
“Oh, my new wife will learn all of the extent of my evil dick soon enough.”
“Oh, dude! No! Ack. I did no need that mental image!”

“Ugh!”

*grin* ”Oh don't pretend you didn't want to... see more. Hehe.”

Yuna... I know you mean well but let's be honest here. You're like 0-10 on thinking on the fly vs. things going well. Wakka has a better track record for improvisation and he's a certifiable idiot.

Oh. Well, if you put it that way... Well, Tidus is convinced at least. Rikku seems to still be planted firmly in the “nopenopenope” faith department.

Well, Yuna convinced at least one member of her party to believe in her. That's good enough for her.

And with that, Yuna is out! Fucking RIP!

Seymour and Mika shuffle over to the edge to see Yuna crater on the the streets below. The wedding is obviously a bust. Might as well get some entertainment out of the short lived affair.

Well, just ignore that a drop from that height would take about ten seconds for Yuna to splatter on the concrete below. We've got some Deus Ex Magicka to perform here.

Thankfully, Yuna remembered to set her summoning animations to Short while she was getting on her wedding dress. Or else this scene would have played out much differently.

Falling several hundred feet directly on the spine of a magical bird is just like hopping into a bed of feathers from across the room with no ill effects to any parties involved. Not even a dress malfunction from Yuna's strapless wedding dress. Remember, gravity is just a mere suggestion in Spira. They never got any of its pesky laws down pat.

And with that, Yuna is fucking OUT! How does that help her friends who are still surrounded by dozens of armed men with orders to killing them just moments early? Uhh... it doesn't really. At all. Yuna just kind of bugged out and left them to die. Kind of a dick move on Yuna's part when you get right down to it. But hey, it was a neat scene. And that's what counts right...?

Right...?